The discovery of my most recent blindspot.
Blindspots. We all have em. I used to ignore the heck out of these things, but since my time with AIM, I have acquired a craving for the ongoing growth that comes from facing challenges head on instead of running from them. Quite honestly, there have been many times that this concept has made me squirm…However, I have also grown to learn that this wave of discomfort is often followed by feelings of relief, pride, and fulfillment. Long story short, that uncomfortable place is where the growth happens, and visits there are always worth it.
As many of you know, I have the special opportunity of being a high school educator and volleyball coach in addition to being an AIM Coach. “Special opportunity”... I laughed to myself when my brain chose those words to describe my occupation because is that really how I feel right now? Truthfully? No, not really. If I am being honest, teaching during a pandemic has proven to be one of the most stressful experiences I’ve yet to encounter. Ten million times harder than I ever expected. I would never classify myself as that ‘Pinterest’ teacher, or the teacher that always has her shit together, but I like to think that I do a good job and make a difference. I like to think that I bring passion to the classroom and genuinely enjoy it. Spoiler alert: I’ll let you in on a little secret… I do not feel like I have any of that happening right now. I dread going to work. There’s no sugar coating it, I deeply dislike teaching at the moment. My heart wants to be in this work, but my head is so overwhelmed that I’d much rather run for the hills.
Cue the discovery of my most recent blindspot. There I was, walking down the hallway before school feeling sorry for myself, when I realized that these feelings of angst actually aren’t something new or exclusive to my experience of teaching in a pandemic… I recognize these feelings… I have felt these feelings before. In fact, several times throughout my life when my external environment began to change without my consent. In this moment, I realized that my subjective reactions to the stressors in my life are much more habitual and self-inflicted than situational. Meaning, these overwhelming, all-encompassing, feelings of panic, anger and stress that exist in my soul when I get to school are present because I allow it to be so. These feelings are my habitual response to stressors. The circumstances are the circumstances, yet I am choosing to view them as undesirable and act out in ways that do not align with my core values. Well, dang... That hit me like a ton of bricks.
I’d like to conclude by telling you that I have also figured out how to switch my thinking. I want to, but I can’t. I haven’t quite solved this rubix cube yet. However, now that I know that the blindspot is there, now that I know what is planting the seeds and how they are getting watered, I have the opportunity to get uncomfortable and begin the work of doing something about it… because do you know who is responsible for changing the narrative? Me. I have the ability to view my role as an educator during a pandemic as a chance to touch a lot of young people’s lives during some of their most challenging moments, and if that isn’t a “special opportunity”, I don’t know what is.
